I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
You Might Also Like
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Best seat on the street 😍
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok