I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
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If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash