Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

A ghost story

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.