I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
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just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
they finally got him. they got macavity
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.