Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

Candles never taste the way they smell

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

Ken is short for chicken

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

worst…sale…ever

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?