I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
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them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Bed should get ready for ME
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
yall want some gasoline milk
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.