I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
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Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I am crying
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS