Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room