I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
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When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
AM I BEING GASLIT????
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.