Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

twitter is a journey