I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
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According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
i want it utterly assaulted.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
For cardio I live beyond my means.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.