I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
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I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Oh boy, $150,000!
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me: