I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
You Might Also Like
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
This will never not be funny 😭
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.