I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

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It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.


If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.


My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.


[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?


There’s a spider in my bathroom. I neither can kill it or capture it, so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family


“Dad, how did you fall in love with mom?”

“Well, son, long story short I saw her picture on Instagram and it was love at first…filter.”


THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.


Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?

Emergency training complete


My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school