I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
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Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.