Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

when u come home smelling like another dog

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year

The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head