I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
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Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
When the stylist spins you back around
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles