I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
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Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.