I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
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*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower