@portmanteauface

I’ve traveled for business enough that I’ve memorized the takeoff sequence of your standard commercial aircraft, so I like to yell “WHEELS UP!” about two seconds before I know that’s going to happen just to make the other passengers nervous that I provided a helpful reminder

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@PleaseBeGneiss

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

@humanaaron

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

@Chumpstring

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

@karanbirtinna

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

@MouthyMess

Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.

@Parkerlawyer

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

@brettminor

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.