I’ve traveled for business enough that I’ve memorized the takeoff sequence of your standard commercial aircraft, so I like to yell “WHEELS UP!” about two seconds before I know that’s going to happen just to make the other passengers nervous that I provided a helpful reminder

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“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”



Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?


“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway


I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”


The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.


Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are


Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.


My four year old sent me his first ever text from my wife’s phone and it’s such a great thing that he starts school on Monday


Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.


Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe