Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
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My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!