I’ve traveled for business enough that I’ve memorized the takeoff sequence of your standard commercial aircraft, so I like to yell “WHEELS UP!” about two seconds before I know that’s going to happen just to make the other passengers nervous that I provided a helpful reminder

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*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”


*runs into restaurant*
“I’m a doctor”
Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I’m very poor


[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous


I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.


The worst feeling ever is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are alcohol.


The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price is Right” audience.


Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.


My one regret in marrying a much younger man is that I have to postpone my switch to a caftan-based wardrobe by at least ten years.


So you’re into the “bad boy” type? The kind who has a dark side, a tough childhood, breaks the law, everyone knows his name but dare not speak it, could use a nose job and a manicure?
Yeah, that’s Voldemort. You’re into Voldemort.


Things I’ve mastered:

1) Learning stuff the hard way.
3) Missing the point.
4) Not finishing anything.