Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”