Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.