I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
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PLOT TWIST:
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
We all have our pet causes.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”