I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
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Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
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“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
2 years later
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3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf