I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals