Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

Meat Cute

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.