I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
You Might Also Like
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.