Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie