I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
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“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
SCARY COSTUME
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!