I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
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told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me