I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
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disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane