Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?