Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

The Sun

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.