Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

Oh. My. God.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

blocked.

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

We know he can swim but…

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.