I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
You Might Also Like
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off