Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
You Might Also Like
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake