Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I’ve upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony
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People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*