I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
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HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now