I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
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Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.