Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.