Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

ㅤ

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…