I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
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life lately
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Ain’t no way
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.