Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

Jogging

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred