I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
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*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Respect
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad