I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
meow
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
The Compass
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
🤝
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.