Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

I have so many questions.

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

opening twitter today

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches