I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
get you a girl who
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years