I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
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Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.