I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
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when she block me on everything
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.