I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
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Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
this will hang in the louvre one day
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*