Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Talk about a bad egg

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

Mountain Goat : )

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.