I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
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It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
💁🏻♂️
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
adam and eve had first world problems
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.