Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

They also CAN sing✌️

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?