Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

United Steaks of America

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

(more comics:

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge