I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
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After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.