I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
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I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
happy valentine’s day to me
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
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