Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

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Steam Forums

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

doing some research

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.