Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.