Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….