Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.