I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
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Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.