I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
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It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Message from the dog groomers
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?