Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

Me: how are you

Friday: good

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

huge if true: the moon

Me: *falling asleep*

My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves