Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

just pretend nothing happened

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.