I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
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My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
This is me 🤣🤣
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.