Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

I was bored.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

decorating my apartment

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*