Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”