I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
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The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft