I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
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oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.