I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
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It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
*seductively eats two tums*
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies