I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
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Love is always patient and kind.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
thanksgiving in nutshell
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?