I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.