I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
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“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.