I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
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“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.