I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
(True)
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.